


Glittergun Hell

by Foodmoon



Series: Of Tea and Glitter Guns and Cats [11]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Gen, Glitter, M/M, Platonic Relationships, glitter gun, mentions of death/murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 09:44:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13656429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: In which James discovers Q is capable of cruel and unusual punishments





	Glittergun Hell

James thinks that’s the end of it. He really does.

He tracks down Mr. White, and M helps him interrogate him. Which ends uselessly, because of course there’s another traitor to deal with. It seems like MI-6 produces traitors endlessly, but he knows that’s just irritation talking. Grief talking. He’s mourned Vesper, but he’s not over her yet, not over the circumstances inflicted on them.

M informs him that his personal mission does not mean he gets to skip out on other missions.

“You’re a double O agent, for heaven’s sake, James! Grow up and act like one. If you won’t, I’ll let the junior agents go back to snapping and snarling over your position.”

Of course, she’s right. So he’s sent out on a series of milkruns in between looking for information. They’re not hard. He’s expecting that. A newly instated 00 tends to get a few milkruns at first.

What he’s not expecting is that appalling gun.

“What’s this?”

“A glitter gun. I do believe you’ve handled it before with satisfactory performance.” Q says a bit impatiently.

“You must be joking.”

Q looks up, meeting his gaze, and his changeable blue eyes have a hardness to them. It’s reflected in his tone. “It’s a milk run, Bond. The perfect place to test a weapon like this. Or are you telling me that you’re not up to the extra bit of effort it might require?”

James gives him a thin-lipped look at the transparent challenge, but it seems that the Quartermaster is going to be insistent. Q must still be angry over Rotty. It’s a hell of a grudge to hold over nicknaming a gun. He makes a mental note to never do it again.

The gun is just as terrifying as he remembered.

For once, he has no urge at all to test a weapon to its limits, simply makes the shot when he’s forced to and departs. The look on R’s face when he returns it intact and in perfect condition is simple shock. It’s enough to make him try to remember the last time he returned a weapon intact. When he finally finds it, the answer is ‘Twice’. Twice he’s returned a weapon intact to Q branch. Both times when Boothroyd was still Q. Once because he’d forgotten he’d had it and returned it unused. The other time, in just slightly mangled but otherwise functional condition. No wonder R is shocked.

The next milk run, it’s R that outfits him with tech. Q’s nowhere in sight. James would love to know how he’s managed that. He balks when he sees that appalling gun is the only weapon provided.

 _“For the love of God!_ Tell him I apologize about Rotty, but get me a real weapon!”

R looks briefly baffled, then shakes her head. “You’ll take the weapon assigned, 007, or I’ll take it up with M. Please, give me an excuse to take this to M so I can see her laugh her head off when you try to explain your objection.”

James pictures it.  
  
_Vividly._

He sulkily takes the gun without another word.

By the fourth milk run where the appalling gun reappears as part of his kit, and R delivers it with a malicious smile, he’s beginning to suspect that Rotty is, perhaps, not the source of Q’s irritation with him. By the fifth, he’s sure of it. Maybe he’s angry that James doesn’t like the gun?

On the sixth milk run, James seriously considers tossing the gun over a fence to let the target’s neighbor's yappy toy poodle chew it to death. He’s found more information on Vesper and is ready to move on it as soon as he’s allowed.

“Q says that if you do, you’ll get one with pink glitter next time.” R interrupts the temptation before he can give in.

James winces and looks around until he spots a CTV aimed more or less his way. He waves and says loftily, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

R snickers in his ear instead of arguing.

In an obvious, and profoundly gratifying, act of god, the Queen herself contacts MI-6 and requests that the weapon be turned over to her and that this particular model not be recreated for further missions. Apparently the papers have picked up on it as the work of a serial murderer and have dubbed James ‘The Glitterer’, like the only purpose of the deaths is to spread the love of glitter.

It’s appalling.

But not as appalling as the gun itself.

James breathes a quiet sigh of relief when Q outfits him with a real weapon again.

He makes sure to show his gratitude by pushing the weapon to its limits.

When Q’s reaction to this is normal, he knows that the message has been received and accepted.

**Author's Note:**

> James is still utterly clueless.
> 
> Q branch has no so mysteriously acquired pictures of James' appalled face when testing the gun, and several stealthy pictures of his expression when faced with using it again. R has a full collection.  
> Q, himself, doesn't bother, but he does spend some time going over footage of those incidences. And there's certainly plenty of pictures around at minions' desks to look at.
> 
> The promise to the Queen to not make 'this model' again is rather specific, isn't it? I like to think the Queen would be quite pleased and amused by it all, and fond of having it in her private collection.


End file.
